Broken

Everyone has heard the expression, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." The good Lord does not adhere to that advice. In fact, He most often breaks us in order to fix us, even when we think we're running along smoothly in life. I am currently in this process, and I don't care for it much. It seems this breaking process is cyclical and difficult, and I'm the one who makes it difficult because I resist. It's not that God doesn't like or love me as I am. It's just that He knows I can be better.

Looking back over my life, I see a pattern of these breaking times, and they usually occur just when I get to the point that I like and accept the finished result of the previous breaking. Comfort. Not a word Christians should really want in their vocabulary because comfort is fleeting for the Christian. The sermon today was on following Jesus. If you're comfortable, can you really be following? I'm not too sure that it's possible. I believe you can be content to follow, and should be content following Him. After all, He is all we need, right? So contentment is good, being comfortable is not. Walking in someone else's shoes should never feel comfortable. It should feel uncomfortable. Perhaps God breaks us, so that those shoes don't get comfortable for us, and He does it at just the precise moment we begin to feel comfortable. New shoes, new direction His son takes for us to follow, or new things for us to do for His kingdom that might cause incredible discomfort.

I'm getting married in just over four months. I'll have a new husband and stepson. I'm moving to a new town where I know probably 5 people, if that. Let's not even mention the job search I'll have (nothing with time off as sweet as I have now, that's for sure). I'm leaving the church family I've had for 12 years now. Finding a new church is no easy task. I've got a lot of breaking going on.

I've been single, and living with just my children, since 2003. That's a long time, and I'm a bit set in my ways. I have to be willing to compromise some of those ways, and that'll be fine. With three young children, you get pretty easy-going about stuff like that. A certain amount of pride accumulates when you're a single mother. And not the kind of pride you want to have. It's almost boastful. When I got divorced, I wanted to avoid this at all cost. It accumulated anyway, however, and I didn't realize it until the last few days. I'd gotten very used to taking care of the kids and myself, doing everything on my own (I even patched drywall and fixed my piano and moved heavy furniture and everything). When you're married, though, it's not about doing everything on your own. Spouses lean on and help each other. I have a very "I can do it myself" demeanor. That demeanor has to be broken, and it's being broken right now. It hurts. It's humbling. I don't like it, but how could I possibly be a good wife and mother if I don't go through it? I am, once again, going to be a helper to a wonderful man, and God is simply making me a suitable helper for him (Genesis 2:18).

There are many other things in me that need to be broken in order for me to achieve my goal of being a Proverbs 31 wife (this has always been a goal of mine, but cut short upon divorce. God has renewed this goal for me). In the difficult process of God breaking me to make me what I should be for my soon-to-be husband and our children, I will become a better follower of Jesus. Funny how the Father can fulfill two purposes at once. Being broken won't be comfortable (and isn't), that's for sure, but by keeping my eyes on Jesus, following Him, perhaps I won't notice it so much. By making Jesus my treasure, everything else I desire to be for Him, and for my family, will fall into place in His time. And because following Jesus is, as Pastor Dave said, evangelistic in nature, my experiences over the last several years in being broken and made whole again just might help someone else going through the same thing.

You know it's been a long time since you blogged when you can't remember your blog password. Sad, very sad, indeed.

This summer has flown by, but has been pretty good. I have 6 days of vacation left before I return to work, and I'm sure it will zip by, what with school, work, wedding planning, selling the house, etc.

I'm not a wedding planner. It's a genetic flaw in me, I guess, because aren't women supposed to love that stuff? Not I. Where's Martha Stewart when you need her?

Football season is upon us, and I am SO glad. Go Mizzou!! Go Pirates! Go Chiefs!

Mother's Day

Or is it Mothers' Day? Let's call Hallmark (the holiday maker) and see. Isn't it really just another day?

This is a bittersweet day for me. Bitter because my own mother is gone. I hope on days like these, God tells her how much she is still loved and missed down here on Earth by her three children and their father and all her grandchildren (even two of mine who were born after her death miss her, which might seem odd, but not to those of us who did know her).

Yet, today is sweet because I have three wonderful children who bless me every day in some way or another. Sweet because I have a sister who also happens to be my best friend. Sweet because I have brother who has always been there for me. Sweet because my father has always been the perfect example of what a father should be. Sweet because divorce does not mean in-laws have to become exes, too. Sweet because God heals all wounds in His time, and gives second chances to the seemingly hopeless. Sweet because the second chance given me loves me more than I ever could have imagined, and because his son has accepted me and my children. And not just his son, but the rest of his family, too. Sweeter still because at this very moment, it occurs to me that Mother's (Mothers') Day is not just a Hallmark holiday. It's really a day to take inventory of the undeserved blessings one has been given, and thank the Lord that it's NOT just another day.

Haiku

The countdown is on.
Twenty-and-a-half days left
of school 'til summer.

Word of the Day

Today, as any other day, I received my Word of the Day from Dictionary.com. Usually, it's a word that I already know or use or have used, etc. Today, however, was different. I hadn't heard today's Word of the Day before, and I was intrigued. What could this word mean? I'm sorry, you want to know what the word is:

pandiculation \pan-dik-yuh-LEY-shuhn\, noun:
an instinctive stretching, as on awakening or while yawning

Ahh, yes. Instant visuals and/or memories of this. A particularly good pandiculation requires some sort of noise to accompany it, in my opinion. Don't you agree? The mere thought of this word is relaxing because of the visuals it gives. I rank it right up there with my memories of lying on a very warm beach, listening to the waves on the shore. Interestingly enough, lying on said beach can induce pandiculation. I hope to pandiculate soon. Perhaps in the morning after a good night's sleep (I'm ever hopeful). Perhaps sooner, after sitting in my chair, watching some TV program or working on some work I brought home from the office. May pandiculation be not only in your vocabulary, but also in your very near future.

By the way, the spell check on this thing HATES "pandiculation."

Contemplation

Last week's sermon at church was about change (in essence) and how sometimes we're not where God wants us, and how we should always consult Him first in all major life decisions. Well, consult Him I did quite a while now, waiting on His good timing (which is ALWAYS perfect), and boy how things will be changing. One week ago, my beloved asked me to be his bride, and I ecstatically accepted. Sigh. Still on cotton candy clouds, I am. If you want to know how quickly word spread during church last Sunday, one person saw my ring while I was getting my coffee, and by the end of the service, my beloved and I were receiving several offerings of congratulations. Wildfire, my friends. Wildfire.

So back to the change stuff that I've been contemplating in the last two weeks. I have been struggling for some time now that I am not in the vocation I should be. Perhaps it's just me that thinks I need to do something different, or maybe God thinks that as well. If He's prodding me to move on to something better, perhaps that's why I'm floundering in the average. Change is scary, though, and most certainly always requires sacrifice. For years now, I've wanted to become a massage therapist. For one reason or another, I've not been able to pursue this. Yes, I've considered that maybe God doesn't want me to pursue this. And yes, I've considered that maybe it just hasn't been the right time, but the right time is fast-approaching. Money, of course, is an issue, but not insurmountable. I can pursue this change one of two ways: quit my job, and get my license quickly, or stay in my job, go to school part-time and get my license in a little over a year. I know which one I'd like to do. I'd like to get it over with as soon as possible. It's just a little scary to give up a salary, even a very small salary like mine.

My job is stressful. It's become even more stressful over the last two years. As much work as there is, I think the whole department could double in work force, but there's no way that will ever happen, especially with the suffering economy. I dread going to work most every day, even though I know what I do is a very worthy cause. If I left that job, I don't think my household would suffer in any way, nor would it put me in a financial bind for the 6 months it would take to obtain a massage therapy license.

So my friends, I ask that you join me and my beloved in praying about this situation. God's guidance is what I seek, and after talking with Him about it on numerous occasions, I feel He'd like me to share the burden so it's not quite so heavy on my heart. I'm sure that whatever is meant to take place will take place when God wants it to, as it always has in my life. If there's anything I know, it's that God puts me where He wants me, when He wants me there.

It has occurred to me to market my pursuit as an investment opportunity, offering my investors free massage therapy as repayment of their investment. Have table, will travel!

Sigh

Summer sun, gone so long.
Oh, for it to kiss my skin!
How I miss it so.